Letter to Myself

Yesterday when my clothes and paints arrived from the school to my apartment, I also received the letter I had written to myself on March 13th, after our Sorenson Fellow retreat at the Peace Abbey.

The note made me laugh. I remember writing it and wondering what in the world to tell myself now that I was in India. I admit, I thought it was a silly exercise- what kind of encouragement would I need? I wasn’t even sure at that point what I would be doing in India.

I asked stupid questions of myself, what was India like, what am I wearing, how is the food… What was I thinking? I am writing these questions to myself. It was all getting kind of ridiculous.

Then I wrote something about a challenge I was facing at the time. My eyes immediately welled in tears as I recounted how difficult that time in my life had been, learning to forgive, challenging myself to let go of something and someone who really hurt me. I was in a lot of pain and it was hard to understand how I would get out of it- how would my psyche be shaken, how would my reality change- my sense of comfort was challenged. I wondered that day, how I would ever find a place for myself in Massachusetts, never mind in India.

I think sometimes we grow up faster than we expect. Maybe faster than we’re supposed to. Sometimes if we don’t remember how we got somewhere, we forget that we are there at all. I was so down at that time, questioning all sorts of things- parts of my life I had relied upon, parts of myself I thought were points of pride.

The parts of my life I relied upon then to get me through have not been so readily accessible here.  In hindsight I know that the parts of myself I believed to be most special left me with little more than a paintbrush and a questionably open mind upon arrival here.

If there’s anything I’m learning, it is how capable we are of overcoming the things that challenge us. Our fears are just dark corners within us that we must enter quietly with a flashlight in hand. It’s as if the self inside us, the difficulties we face are sometimes only internal withering flowers in seek of light and care. We must give attention to the things we find troubling. If we are willing to face them with gentle understanding, we can overcome their interrogation with ease. We can learn our skills again. We can create new relationships to rely on. We can become better.

I ended my letter to myself stating, “Be brave. Be bold. Love greater.” These six words, these three challenges, are really all that it comes down to. With great bravery and the strength to be bold, we are capable of offering love to the challenges we face, the situations that test us and the people we encounter- and well, not much bad can stand up to the power of love.